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You feel the threat cause every step is like a mountain movin'
We haven't met, did i forget? no i don't need introducin'
Struck out like a match, astounding that you think that you could beat me
Strike back, what was that just now? as the plane goes down, do i make it look easy?
Honestly, all you weaklings look the same (look the same)
On the ground and your face is contorted in pain (pain, pain)
You feel the threat cause every step is like a mountain movin' (pain, pain)
We haven't met, did i forget? no i don't need introducin' (pain, pain)
You feel the hate 'causе every step i takе the earth is shakin' (pain, pain)
Leave devastation in my wake 'cause it's all mine for the taking (pain, pain)
Knocked out, your jaw's on the ground, but was there any doubt that it would end this way?
Yeah you can eat your little evil heart out, let the people all around see your real face
All you little people down there look the same (look the same)
And i can't wait to see your faces contorted in pain (pain, pain)
You feel the threat 'cause every step is like a mountain moving (pain, pain)
We haven't met, did i forget? no i don't need introducing (pain, pain)
You feel the hate 'cause every step i take the earth is shakin' (pain, pain)
Leave devastation in my wake 'cause it's all mine for the takin' (pain, pain)
You feel the threat 'cause every step is like a mountain movin' (pain, pain)
We haven't met, did i forget? no i don't need introducin' (pain, pain)
You feel the hate 'cause every step i take the earth is shaking (pain, pain)
Leave devastation in wake 'cause it's all my for the taking (pain, pain)
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Defendant Allen: Right
The Court: I believe that- I believe you case is- was going to be going on trial not this Monday but the following Monday. Okay? Do you understand that?
Mr Allen: Yes. Uh-
The Court: Okay, I tell you if you needed to tell me something, I want- I'll let you come up here to the podium so you can speak into the microphone, and I can hear you.
(Defendant approaches the podium)
Mr Allen: Yes the Attorney here, I'm wanting to fire him.
The Court: Uh-huh
Mr Allen: And, you know, I don't feel like he's doing any-
The Court: Who are you going to hire?
Mr Allen: I'm not going to hire nobody. I'm going to try to get a different public defender.
The Court: There isn't- you- you have a right to an attorney
Mr Allen: This lawyer has-
The Court: You don't have the right to a specific attorney.
Mr Allen: This lawyer has made s**ual advancement on me. He-
The Court: Well-
Mr Allen: He's mis- misrepresenting my case. He told me if- if I wanted him to do a good job, I had to let him give me oral s**. He's had doctors at Central State Hospital put me on a false-
The Court: He's has Doctors at Central State Hospital?
Mr Allen: -put a false diagnosis on me.
The Court: Okay.
Mr Allen: Uh-
The Court: I don't- you know, I know Mr. Wyatt pretty well, and I don't think he has the ability to make doctors at Central State do anything.
Mr Allen: Well, they did it, and he's the one who sent me down there.
The Court: Well, they may have done it, but I don't think he has anything to do with it.
Mr Allen: Alright, but he won't give me the discovery.
The Court: He- Well, I'm-
Mr Allen: There's things in the discovery he is supposed to give- he gave me the indictment and told me that was the discovery.
The Court: Okay
Mr Allen: They're altering-
The Court: Okay
Mr Allen: -documents that I have read
The Court: If you- if you want- if you want the indictment, I'll make sure you get a copy of the indictment.
Mr Allen: No. I'm saying I already have a copy of the indictment-
The Court: Uh huh
Mr Allen: -but he's not complying with discovery.
The Court: Okay
Mr Allen: I'm supposed to get the autopsy report, the coroner report, pictures of the crime scene.
The Court: Cor- Coroner report?
Mr Allen: -criminal background records, I want
The Court: Is this a murder?
Deputy Sheriff: In the county jail.
The Court: Okay
Mr Allen: Yeah, I'm supposed to get the criminal records, background records, investigational summaries.
The Court: Mr Wyatt, what discovery do you have?
Mr Wyatt: I've given him everything I have.
The Court: You've given him everything you have.
Mr Wyatt: Yes Sir
The Court: He's given you everything-
Mr Allen: This is a murder case and-
The Court: Huh?
Mr Allen: This is a murder case, and your telling me the only thing on discovery is a four-page indictment?
The Court: I don't think he's saying that, I think he's saying he's given you everything he has.
Mr Allen: he ain't given me the autopsy report. He ain't given the coroner report, he ain't give me-
The Court: Well, it may be that he doesn't have that. I don't know.
Mr Allen: That's what I've been trying to get. He didn't give me pictures of the crime scene. I've seen other people go on trial on- on murder charges. I've seen what you're supposed to get. I'm not going to work with this attorney
The Court: Well, you know, you- you-
Mr Allen: Its not- its not going to happen
The Court: You've got- you've got-
Mr Allen: I'm not going to trial with this attorney
The Court: Well, you've got two choices. One, you can go to trial with him, or, two, you can try the case yourself. Now I definitely think that's-
Mr Allen: I've got the right to have-
The Court: Wait a minute, listen to me. That would be the biggest mistake you ever make in your life.
Mr Allen: So basically you are sitting here and telling me-
The Court: Now, you have a-
Mr Allen: -you are going to find me guilty if I go to trial and defend myself?
The Court: You're probably right. that would be my guess if you try to defend yourself. You- you don't know anything about selecting a jury don't you?
Mr Allen: No
The Court: Do you know anything about cross examining witnesses?
Mr Allen: No
The Court: Do you know anything about criminal procedure?
Mr Allen: I know I don't have to let-
The Court: Do you know anything- I'm
Mr Allen: -this guy suck my dick-
The Court: Let- let- let me- let me- let
Mr Allen: -to get some legal representation
The Court: You know something, I'll be honest, Mr Allen, I really don't believe that.
Mr Allen: I'm not- I'm not concerned if you believe me or not
The Court: I- you know, I-
Mr Allen: But I'm- I'm supposed to- I'm supposed to have a right to an attorney
The Court: That-
Mr Allen: And I'm not going to work with this attorney
The Court: Well that's up to you
Mr Allen: So I hold myself in contempt if you try to pull me up here with that attorney.
The Court: that's- that's fine. I mean, that's up to you. You- I told you what your choices are. you can go to trial-
Mr Allen: I'm- I'm just telling you, Well-
The Court: Lis- Listen to me
Mr Allen: -I'll just hold myself in contempt
The Court: Listen to me
Mr Allen: f*** you
The Court: Listen to me
Mr Allen: Go f*** yourself, I'm through here, are yall done?
The Court: I'm finding- I'm finding you in contempt of court.
Mr Allen: I don't care
The Court: I know you don't. And I sentence you to 20 days for that. And you say anything else, I'm going to add another 20 days for anything you say.
Mr Allen: f*** you
The Court: Forty days
Mr Allen: f*** you again
The Court: 60 days
Mr Allen: Do f*** yourself
The Court: A year
Mr Allen: Your mama
The Court: Ten years
Mr Allen: Suck my dick
The Court: you know something, this is going to be an interesting trial
Mr Allen: Oh yeah?
The Court: Oh yeah.
Mr Allen: Your not supposed to smile in court, you know that if you smile-
The Court: I can smile anytime I want to.
Mr Allen: -its a violation now your cursing and yelling at me.
The Court: I have not cussed
Mr Allen: Yeah you did
The Court: I am yelling
Mr Allen: well go f*** yourself, suck my dick
The Court: that's why I'm yelling
Mr Allen: Suck my dick
The Court: You know something, you are absolutely the rudest person I think I have-
Mr Allen: You reckon-
The Court: -ever met
Mr Allen: you reckon if I let you suck my dick I could get a fair trial here?
The Court: Oh I don't think so
Mr Allen: I got a big dick now, and if I pull it out-
The Court: I don't think that's going to get you a fair trial unless you have-
Mr Allen: I'm done
The Court: -every one of the jurors do it.
Mr Allen: I don't think that mouth is big enough sir. I've got a big donkey dick.
The Court: You know, I'm sure mines not.
Mr Allen: I've got a big old donkey dick for that.
The Court: Good! I'm sure the women love it
Mr Allen: I don't f*** girls
The Court: Oh, Oh no, I'm sorry
Mr Allen: I f*** boys
The Court: Oh, I'm sorry, you prefer men
Mr Allen: I f*** white- white boys
The Court: You- Oh, oh, white or black?
Mr Allen: White boys
The Court: Oh, butt boys?
Mr Allen: With big butts
The Court: Oh, of course. you know, you looked like a queer.
Mr Allen: Well okay, So now your calling me a queer in the courtroom?
The Court: I didn't call you one, I said you looked like one
Mr Allen: Your yelling
The Court: Do you understand the English language?
Mr Allen: Wait, your yelling, your laughing
The Court: Do you understand the English language?
Mr Allen: This is- this- this is kangaroo Court sir.
The Court: Do you- you know what? No, we're not in Australia.
Mr Allen: I mean, if you want to suck my dick, you can do it anytime now. We can-
The Court: -you're- you're so smart
Mr Allen: Do we have to court order this?
The Court: You're so funny, you're so cute
Mr Allen: Can we get a court order to get my dick sucked, sir?
The Court: You're so cute, I bet all the inmates love you to death.
Mr Allen: Oh, yeah
The Court: Oh, I bet
Mr Allen: All the white butt boys love me to death, too
The Court: Okay. Well, I'll bet they do, and I bet all the rest of them do too.
Mr Allen: You ain't supposed to smile in court
The Court: I'll bet everyone enjoys sucking your cock.
Mr Allen: You ain't supposed to be smiling in court. That's a violation.
The Court: I can smile anytime I dadgum want to
Mr Allen: Now your yelling at me again
The Court: I am, I'm yelling
Mr Allen: You're getting mad
The Court: Can you hear me?
Mr Allen: You're shaking
The Court: I am yelling at you
Mr Allen: Well, you reckon you can suck my dick?
The Court: Yelling.
Mr Allen: Can you take a break?
The Court: Yelling.
Mr Allen: Can you take a break?
The Court: I'm yelling at you
Mr Allen: Can you take a break?
The Court: Yelling.
Mr Allen: Can I get my dick sucked?
The Court: Can you hear me? Yelling.
Mr Allen: Can I get my dick sucked?
The Court: Yelling. Yelling
Mr Allen: Are you ready to suck now? Have you got it all out?
The Court: You know something?
Mr Allen: You will, but you want me to f*** you in the butt then right?
The Court: Oh, my goodness. You've got plenty of that in jail.
Mr Allen: I could see it in you when I came in the courtroom.
The Court: Okay, that's fine. You're going to be here on- let me tell you how this is going to work. You are going to be-
Mr Allen: You ain't going to tell me shit
The Court: Listen.
Mr Allen: Suck my dick
The Court: Shut up. Listen to me
Mr Allen: Suck my dick, you f***man
The Court: Listen!
Mr Allen: Suck my dick
The Court: You will be here in court on Mon-
Mr Allen: You'll be here sucking my dick
The Court: You will listen to me, now
Mr Allen: Go f*** yourself
The Court: Okay, I'm going to tell you how this is going to work. You can either listen or not. I don't care.
Mr Allen: I'm through, can I leave the courtroom?
The Court: No
Deputy Sheriff: No, you've got to stay here.
Mr Allen: No, I'm not talking to the bastard.
The Court: We are going to have a trial Monday week.
Mr Allen: No. The f*** we are, I ain't going to trial with this lawyer present.
The Court: Listen, if you do not-
Mr Allen: Suck my dick, you stinking ass cracker.
The Court: -and leave you out of they courtroom during the trial
Mr Allen: Horse-ass cracker
The Court: Do you understand that?
Mr Allen: Horse-ass, dick sucking ass-
The Court: Do you understand that?
Mr Allen: f***man ass cracker
The Court: Do you understand that?
Mr Allen: Getting mad, aren't you?
The Court: Stupid.
Mr Allen: Or red faced?
The Court: Listen!
Mr Allen: Now your calling me stupid
The Court: Listen! Yes I am.
Mr Allen: This is Kangaroo Court
The Court: You know what, you have the constitutional right to be a dumbass.
Mr Allen: Why don't you jump up on the stand and-
The Court: You have the constitutional right to be a dumbass.
Mr Allen: -and jump around like a f***ing kangaroo, you dumb bastard.
The Court: Well, if you-
Mr Allen: Suck my dick, I ain't
The Court: -if you- if you
Mr Allen: -listening to nothing you say
The Court: If you come here Monday week and-
Mr Allen: How about this? I'll kill your whole family. When I get this trial, I will murder your whole family. I'll cut your children up into pieces. I will knock their brains out with a f***ing hammer and feed them to you.
The Court: Are- you taking this down?
Court reporter: yes sir
The Court: Okay, I am going to refer you to the district attorneys office.
Mr Allen: I don't give a f*** who you're referring to
The Court: I- I'm just telling you.
Mr Allen: I thought you were referring to my motherf***ing dick f***man.
The Court: Aggra- Aggravated- aggravated assault, terroristic threats, and we'll just add to it.
Mr Allen: I don't give a f***, I will murder you, your whole family, your kids. I'm not supposed to be in jail, I was framed. that motherf***er asked me to eat his ass for a bag of coffee.
The Court: Well you know-
Mr Allen: -and now your telling me that I've got to- I got to go to trial with this f***man over here.
The Court: You're obviously-
Mr Allen: he's probably a paedophile.
The Court: You're obviously fixated on butts and dicks.
Mr Allen: Huh? I'm fixed on your mouth
The Court: No, You're fixated on butts and dicks.
Mr Allen: You've got a nasty mouth sir
The Court: Oh, I have an awful mouth
Mr Allen: you have a big old fat mouth
The Court: I do.
Mr Allen: You got a big old fat mouth to get this dick in it
The Court: I sure do
Mr Allen: All right
The Court: Yeah, I'm proud of it
Mr Allen: I'll make sure next time i come to court-
The Court: I-
Mr Allen: -I'll pull it out and jack on you
The Court: okay, why don't you do that right now?
Mr Allen: I jack on white boys
The Court: why don't you do that right now?
Mr Allen: -just like I jack on females
The Court: Do it now
Mr Allen: I can't do it now
The Court: Do it now
Mr Allen: I ain't got- I ain't got but-
The Court: I don't care
Mr Allen: Take off the cuffs
The Court: how many hands do you have to have to do it
Mr Allen: Take off the cuffs
The Court: C'mon no, jack off.
Mr Allen: this is Kangaroo Court
The Court: jack off right now
Mr Allen: Are y'all getting this?
The Court: Yes, they're getting it
Mr Allen: I'm- I'm- I'm going to make sure. This guy done called me stupid. This motherf***er done told me he was going to suck my dick,
The Court: I did not say that
Mr Allen: He wanted me to f*** him in the butt
The Court: I did not say that either.
Mr Allen: Uh, you're a- you're a real, real nasty ass judge.
The Court: I am indeed, and you're going to find out-
Mr Allen: Now-
The Court: -how nasty I really am
Mr Allen: You'll find out how nasty I am when I kill your whole family bitch.
The Court: Oh that's fine, you know, you'll be in jail so long you won't have the chance
Mr Allen: the babies will be going "daddy daddy help me" I'm just going to knock their brains out with a f***ing hammer.
The Court: Okay well you know, If I had kids, you'd probably be able to do that, but since I don't have any, it doesn't really matter.
Mr Allen: Well, I'll get you nieces, your nephews, your sisters
The Court: It doesn't really matter, I don't have any of those either
Mr Allen: Grandkids
The Court: Don't have any of those either.
Mr Allen: Aunties, Aunts
The Court: How can I have grandkids if i don't have any kids?
Mr Allen: Brothers, Sister?
The Court: Stupid, you know, you- you're just completely, completely have no idea of the English language.
Mr Allen: If you're not going to suck my dick, sir, I don't- I don't want to be here.
The Court: Okay, I've enjoyed this. I hope you have. I know everybody in the courtroom has enjoyed it, but you can go now, and if-
Mr Allen: All right, well I-
The Court: -if on Monday week this happens again, you will not stay in the courtroom.
Mr Allen: Suck my dick sir
The Court: Okay.
Mr Allen: I'm subpoenaing yalls ass in the courtroom.
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137 days ago
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Get this annoying message out the f**king sight.
Stop saying it every f***ing time
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138 days ago
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SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPP! SHUT UP! Oh my god I don't care!
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YOU LAZY, NO-GOOD SLACKERS DRIVE ME NUTS! CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME ONCE IN YOUR WORTHLESS LIVES?! CAUSE IF YOU DID, YOU'D SEE I'M TRYING TO TEACH YOU SOME SIMPLE RESPONSIBILITY! SOME PRIDE IN DOING A JOB WELL DONE! BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW A JOB WELL DONE IF YOU PAID SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR YOU! AND EVEN THEN YOU'D SCREW IT ALL UP ON THE ACCOUNT THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW THE SIMPLEST OF INSTRUCTIONS, WORRYING MORE ABOUT LOOKING COOL THAN DOING YOUR JOB!
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Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”
But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, “Well, today I’m actually allowed to feel shitty.” Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, “Well, my mom died,” and she immediately burst into tears. So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there’s a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry. And she’s bawling, and she’s saying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and I’m like, “It’s fine. It’s fine.” I mean, it’s not fine but, you know, it’s… fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal, and I’ve kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? And the girl apologizes again and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I’m leaving, I think, “I just got a free churro because my mom died.” No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro.
Anyway, I’m sorry, that’s not part of the… All right. Okay, here we go. Let’s do this. Here I am, BoJack Horseman, doing a eulogy, let’s go. Hey, piano man, can I get a, like an organ flourish? Nicely done. You know, I was a little worried I wouldn’t have the right accompaniment today. I guess it’s a good thing my mom was an organ donor! What happened to the organ? Okay, why just leave the comedy to the professionals? Okay? This is a funeral, sir, for my mother. Can you show a little respect? I’ll take it.
Beatrice Horseman, who was she? What was her deal? Well, she was a horse. Uh, she was born in 1938. She died in 2018. One time, she went to a parade, and one time, she smoked an entire cigarette in one long inhale. I watched her do it. Truly a remarkable woman.
Lived a full life, that lady. Just, all the way to the end, which is, uh, now I guess. Really makes you think, though, huh? Life, right? Goes by, stuff happens. Then you die. Okay, well that’s my time, you’ve been great! Tip your waitress! No, I’m just kidding around, there’s no waitress. But seriously, that’s all I have to say about my mother. No point beating a dead horse, right? So…
Now what? I don’t know. Mom, you got any ideas? Anything? Mom? No? Nothing to contribute? Knock once if you’re proud of me.
Can I just say how amazing it is to be in a room with my mother, and I can just talk and talk without her telling me to shut up and make her a drink? Hey, Mom, knock once if you think I should shut up. No? You sure? I mean, I don’t want to embarrass you by making this eulogy into a me-logy, so, seriously, if you wanted me to sit down and let someone else talk, just knock. I will not be offended. No? Your funeral.
Sorry about the closed casket, by the way. She wanted an open casket, but uh, you know, she’s dead now, so who cares what she wanted? No, that sounds bad. I’m sorry. I-I think that if she could’ve seen what she looked like dead, she’d agree it’s better this way. She looked like this.
Kinda like a pissed-off toy dinosaur. The coroner couldn’t get her eyes closed, so now her face is forever frozen in a mask of tremendous horror and anguish. Or as my mom called it, Tuesday! Tuesday! My mom called it Tuesday.
Hey, Mom, what did you think of that joke? You like that? You never did care for my comedy.
Here’s a story. When I was a teenager, I performed a comedy routine for my high school talent show. There was this, uh, cool jacket that I wanted to wear because I thought it would make me look like Albert Brooks. For months, I saved up for this jacket. But when I finally had enough, I went to the store and it was gone. They had just sold it to someone else. So, I went home and I told my mother, and she said, “Let that be a lesson. That’s the good that comes from wanting things.” She was really good at dispensing life lessons that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault.
But then, on the day of the talent show, my mother had a surprise for me. She had bought me the jacket. Even though she didn’t know how to say it, I know this meant that she loved me.
Now that’s a good story about my mother. It’s not true, but it’s a good story, right? I stole it from an episode of Maude I saw when I was a kid, where she talks about her father. I remember when I saw it, thinking, “That’s the kind of story I want to tell about my parents when they die.” But I don’t have any stories like that. All I know about being good, I learned from TV. And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showing people they care with these surprising grand gestures. And I think that part of me still believes that’s what love is. But in real life, the big gesture isn’t enough. You need to be consistent, you need to be dependably good. You can’t just screw everything up and then take a boat out into the ocean to save your best friend, or solve a mystery, and fly to Kansas. You need to do it every day, which is so… hard.
When you’re a kid, you convince yourself that maybe the grand gesture could be enough, that even though your parents aren’t what you need them to be over and over and over again, at any moment, they might surprise you with something… wonderful. I kept waiting for that, the proof that even though my mother was a hard woman, deep down, she loved me and cared about me and wanted me to know that I made her life a little bit brighter. Even now, I find myself waiting.
Hey, Mom, knock once if you love me and care about me and want me to know I made your life a little bit brighter.
My mother did not go gentle into that good night. She went clawing and fighting and thrashing, hence the face.
If you’d seen her, I swear to God the only thing you’d be thinking about right now is that I am nailing this impression.
I was in the hospital with her those last moments, and they were truly horrifying, full of nonsencial screams and cries, but there was this moment, this one instant of strange calm, where she looked in my direction and said, “I see you.” That’s the last thing she said to me. “I see you.” Not a statement of judgment or disappointment, just acceptance and the simple recognition of another person in a room. “Hello there. You are a person. And I see you.”
Let me tell you, it’s a weird thing to feel at 54 years old, that for the first time in your life your mother sees you. It’s an odd realization that that’s the thing you’ve been missing, the only thing you wanted all along, to be seen. And it doesn’t feel like a relief, to finally be seen. It feels mean, like, “Oh, it turns out that you knew what I wanted, and you waited until the very last moment to give it to me.” I was prepared for more cruelty. I was sure that she would get in one final zinger about how I let her down, and about how I was fat and stupid and too tall to be an effective Lindy-hopper. How I was needy and a burden and an embarrassment—all that I was ready for. I was not ready for “I see you.” Only my mother would be lousy enough to swipe me with a moment of connection on her way out. But maybe I’m giving her too much credit. Maybe it wasn’t about connection. Maybe it was a… maybe it was an “I see you,” like, uh, “I see you.” Like, “You might have the rest of the world fooled, but I know exactly who you are.” That’s more my mom’s speed.
Or maybe she just literally meant “I see you. You are an object that has entered my field of vision.” She was pretty out of it at the end, so maybe it’s dumb to try to attribute it to anything.
Back in the 90s, I was in a very famous TV show called Horsin’ Around.
Please hold your applause. And I remember one time, a fan asked me, “Hey, um, you know that episode where the horse has to give Ethan a pep talk after Ethan finds out his crush only asked him to the dance because her friends were having a dorkiest date contest? In all the shots of the horse, you can see a paper coffee cup on the kitchen counter, but in the shots of Ethan, the coffee cup’s missing. Was that because the show was making a statement about the fluctuant subjectivity of memory and how even two people can experience the same moment in entirely different ways?” And I didn’t have the heart to be, like, “No, man, some crew guy just left their coffee cup in the shot.” So instead, I was, like… “Yeah.”
And maybe this is like that coffee cup. Maybe we’re dumb to try to pin significance onto every little thing. Maybe when someone says, “I see you,” it just means, “I see you.” Then again, it’s possible she wasn’t even talking to me because, if I’m being honest, she wasn’t really looking at me. She was looking just past me. There was nobody else in the room, so I want to think she was talking to me, but, honestly, she was so far gone at that point, who knows what she was seeing? Who were you talking to, Mom? Not saying, huh? Staying mum? No rimshot there? God, whatever I’m paying you, it’s too much.
Maybe she saw my dad. My dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies, you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like, “Wait, did you say he died in a duel?” and “Who dies in a duel?” The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn’t get any stores to carry it or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So my father, ever the proud Mary, decided he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor. He claimed the critic didn’t understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn’t like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He’d even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night in a hotel. Well, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was as batshit as he was and took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed: ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he’d actually read the book and what he thought, but, not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock.
I wish I’d known to go to Jack in the Box then. Maybe I could have gotten a free churro. It would’ve been nice to have something to show for being the son of Butterscotch Horseman. My darling mother gave the eulogy. My entire life I never heard her say a kind word to or about my father, but at his funeral she said, “My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.”
“My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.” I don’t know why she said that. Maybe she felt like that’s the kind of thing you’re supposed to say at a funeral. Maybe she hoped one day someone would say that about her. “My mother is dead, and everything is worse now.” Or maybe she knew that he had frittered away all her inheritance, and replaced it with crippling debt, which is a pretty shitty thing to leave your widow with. “Bad news, you lost a husband, but don’t worry, you also lost the house!” Maybe Mom knew she’d have to sell all her fancy jewelry and move into a home. Maybe that’s what she meant by “everything is worse now.” Is that what you meant, Mom?
I gotta say, I’m really carrying this double act. At least with Penn and Teller, the quiet one does card tricks. Hey, piano man, when I say something funny to my mom, how about you give me one of those rimshots?
Yeah, but not now. When I say something funny. Like, okay. What’s the difference between my mother and a disruptive expulsion of germs? One’s a coughin’ fit and the other fits a coffin! That’s an example of a funny thing.
Thank you. Let’s try again. Hey, Mom. What’s the difference between my mother and a bunch of Easter eggs? One gets carried in a basket, the other gets buried in a casket!
Ready for one more? Last one. What’s the difference between a first-year lit major and my mother, Beatrice Horseman? One is decently read, and the other’s a huge bitch!
Yeah, might have gone a little too far with that one. That one might’ve been a little too “my mom’s a huge bitch” for the room. I’m sorry, Mother. You’re not a huge bitch. You were a huge bitch… and now you’re dead.
You know, the first time I ever performed in front of an audience, it actually was, uh, with my mom. She used to put on these shows with her supper club in the living room and she used to make… She used to make me sing “The Lollipop Song.”
Those parties, they were really something. There were skits and magic acts, and ethnically insensitive vaudeville routines, and the big finale was always a dance my mother did. She had this beautiful dress that she only brought out for these parties, and she did this incredible number. It was so beautiful and sad. Dad hated the parties. He’d lock himself in the study, and bang on the walls for us to keep it down, but he always came out to see Mom dance. He’d linger in the doorway, scotch in hand, and watch in awe, as this cynical, despicable woman he married… took flight. And as a child who was completely terrified of both my parents, I was always aware that this moment of grace, it meant something. We understood each other in a way. Me and my mom and my dad, as screwed up as we all were, we did understand each other. My mother, she knew what it’s like to feel your entire life like you’re drowning, with the exception of these moments, these very rare, brief instances, in which you suddenly remember… you can swim.
But then again, mostly not. Mostly you’re drowning. She understood that, too. And she recognized that I understood it. And Dad. All three of us were drowning, and we didn’t know how to save each other, but there was an understanding that we were all drowning together. And I would like to think that that’s what she meant when we were in the hospital and she said, “I see you.”
You know, the weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you’re next. I mean, you know, obviously it’s not like there’s a waitlist for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty.
I actually had a near-death experience recently. A stunt went bad and I fell off a building. I’m an actor, I do my own stunts. I’m on this new show Philbert. I’m Philbert. Star of the show. It hasn’t come out yet, but it’s already getting Emmy buzz. Oh, speaking of buzz… I’m supposed to take two of these every morning, but my days are so screwed up ‘cause of the shooting schedule, I don’t even know what morning means anymore. There’s a joke in there somewhere, about a guy who’s been to so many funerals, he doesn’t even know what mourning means anymore. Let you guys figure that one out for yourselves.
Anyway, you know what I thought, when I was falling off the building and I went into panic mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before I died? “Won’t they be sorry.” Cool thought, brain.
No, that wasn’t… would you just… dial it back, all right?
I don’t even know what “they” I wanted to be sorry. My mom, even before she died, could barely remember who I was. And of course, my dad’s dead. The last conversation I ever had with him was about his novel. He was so certain this book was his legacy. Maybe he thought it would vindicate him for all the shitty things he ever did in his stupid worthless life. Maybe it did, I don’t know. I never read it, because why would I give him that?
I used to be on this TV show called Horsin’ Around. Seriously, though, hold your applause.
Well held. It was written by my friend Herb Kazzaz, who’s also dead now, and it starred this little girl named Sarah Lynn. And it was about these orphans. And early on, the network had a note, “Maybe don’t mention they’re orphans so much, because audiences tend to find orphans sad and not relatable.” But I never thought that the orphans were sad. I-I always thought they were lucky, because they could imagine their parents to be anything they wanted. They had something to long for.
Anyway, we did this one season finale, where Olivia’s birth mother comes to town. And she was a junkie, but she’s gotten herself cleaned up, and she wants to be in Olivia’s life again. And of course, she’s like a perfect grown-up version of Olivia, and they go to the mall together and get her ears pierced like she’s always wanted and—sorry, spoiler alert for the season six finale of Horsin’ Around, if you’re still working your way through it. Anyway, the horse tries to warn her, “Be careful, moms have a way of letting you down.” But Olivia just thinks the horse is jealous, and when the mom says she’s moving to California, Olivia decides to go with her. And the network really juiced the cliffhanger: “Is Olivia gone for good?” But of course, because it’s a TV show, she was not gone for good. Of course, because it’s a TV show, Olivia’s mother had a relapse and had to go back to rehab, so Olivia had to hitchhike all the way home, getting rides from Mr. I, Alf, and the cast of Stomp. Of course, that’s what happened. Because, what are you gonna do, just not have Olivia on the show? You can’t have happy endings in sitcoms, not really, because, if everyone’s happy, the show would be over, and above all else, the show… has to keep going. There’s always more show. And you can call Horsin’ Around dumb, or bad, or unrealistic, but there is nothing more realistic than that. You never get a happy ending, ‘cause there’s always more show.
I guess until there isn’t.
My mom would hate it if she knew that I spent so much time at her funeral talking about my old TV show. Or maybe she’d think it was funny that her idiot son couldn’t even do this right. Who knows? She left no instructions for what she wanted me to say. All I know is she wanted an open casket, and her idiot son couldn’t even do that right. I’m not gonna stand up here and pretend I ever understood how to please that woman, even thought so much of my life has been wasted in vain attempts to figure it out. But I keep going back to that moment in the ICU when she looked at me, and… “I-C-U.”
“I… see… you.” Jesus Christ, we were in the intensive care unit. She was just reading a sign. My mom died and all I got was this free churro.
You know the shittiest thing about all of this? Is when that stranger behind the counter gave me that free churro, that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me her entire goddamn life. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This woman at the Jack in the Box didn’t even know me. I’m your son! All I had was you!
I have this friend. And right around when I first met her, her dad died, and I actually went with her to the funeral. And months later, she told me that she didn’t understand why she was still upset, because she never even liked her father. It made sense to me, because I went through the same thing when my dad died. And I’m going through the same thing now. You know what it’s like? It’s like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just—it couldn’t put them together. And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that’s what losing a parent is like. It’s like Becker.
Suddenly, you realize you’ll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you’d never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn’t even realize it until that chance went away.
My mother is dead, and everything is worse now, because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, “BoJack Horseman, I see you.” But I guess it’s good to know. It’s good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be. No, it’s good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on. And I know that now and it’s good. It’s good that I know that. So… it’s good my mother is dead.
Well. No point beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938, and she died in 2018, and I have no idea… what she wanted. Unless she just wanted what we all want… to be seen.
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Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
(I'm the Scatman)
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Everybody stutters one way or the other
So check out my message to you
As a matter of fact, a-don't let nothin' hold you back
If the Scatman can do it, so can you
Everybody's sayin' that the Scatman stutters
But doesn't ever stutter when he sings
But what you don't know, I'm gonna tell you right now
That the stutter and the scat is the same thing
Yo, I'm the Scatman
Where's the Scatman?
I'm the Scatman
Why should we be pleasin' any politician heathens
Who would try to change the seasons if they could?
The state of the condition insults my intuition
And it only makes me crazy and a heart like wood
Everybody stutters one way or the other
So check out my message to you
As a matter of fact, don't let nothin' hold you back
If the Scatman can do it, brother, so can you
I'm the Scatman
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Everybody stutters one way or the other
So check out my message to you
As a matter of fact, a-don't let nothin' hold you back
If the Scatman can do it, so can you
I hear you all ask 'bout the meaning of scat
Well, I'm the professor, and all I can tell you is
While you're still sleepin', the saints are still weepin' 'cause
Things you call dead haven't yet had the chance to be born
I'm the Scatman
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
(Yo da dub dub) yeah, I'm the Scatman
Where's the Scatman?
I'm the Scatman, repeat after me
It's a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody
I'm the Scatman, sing along with me
It's a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody
Yeah, I'm the Scatman (I'm the Scatman)
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
I'm the Scatman (I'm the Scatman)
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope (yeah, I'm the Scatman)
Bop ba bodda bope (sing along with me)
Be bop ba bodda bope (it's a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody)
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I'm this close to f***ing snapping
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Here the clowns go once again with some more bulls
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324 days ago
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325 days ago
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y
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344 days ago
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How it feels half the time using this f***ing site
Wayback Machine: Newsflash, asshole! It's been archived the entire goddamn time!
Me: Then why wouldn't you say something?!
WB: BECAUSE I HATE YOU!!!
I'm not happy, Bob
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345 days ago
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Not. Happy.
What a bunch of f***ing clowns
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364 days ago
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????
Ffs, I seriously don't have time for this bullshit
????????????
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365 days ago
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.
...
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379 days ago
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What a f***ing joke
You've gotta be f***ing joking
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391 days ago
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Guest
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411 days ago
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Seriously
are you f***ing kidding me
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421 days ago
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shitback machine
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433 days ago
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getting real sick of this shit
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470 days ago
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Guest
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523 days ago
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I am just so sick and tired of not being able to archive a webpage without having to deal with some kind of bullshit. Sometimes the search function doesn't even work correctly and it says a page hasn't been archived when it has. That literally defeats the one purpose of the Wayback Machine! How am I supposed to use you when you don't even show the pages that are archived? And now it's giving me a "429 Too Many Requests" error. You know how many requests I had made on the Wayback Machine right before it gave me that crap? 3. Lovely. This is just getting ridiculous. Stop with the bullshit, stop with the lies, stop with the excuses, and just effing work.
Guest
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609 days ago
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Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!
Thank you
man in the middle
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609 days ago
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609 days ago
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Guest
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612 days ago
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Guest
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620 days ago
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Guest
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705 days ago
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Thx1138
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741 days ago
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expatCanadian
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744 days ago
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761 days ago
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Dylan Hooton
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781 days ago
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MankyMania
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977 days ago
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Archive.org is working, but http://web.archive.org doesn't exist (according to all my browsers) and https://web.archive.org only loads a blank White screen. Wich is why this site is reporting Web.archive.org up and running. Why am I the only one mentioning this? I text my friend to connect just in case its on my end and he is also not able to connect to the Web archive! He is on virgin & I'm on BT so its not a ban! Anything would be good?
Archive user
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1033 days ago
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boomer255252
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1278 days ago
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Other websites recently down: